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| "If music be the food of love... |
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| ... play on." (The late great Ethan James plays in Boschian costume) |
| ORSINO: I know thy constelation is right apt. |
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| The Levin sisters and Billy Hayes |
The Comedy that Laughs at You Not With You
All B&W pictures courtesy of Pedar Ness.
"The ship is sinking. Full speed ahead!" — director Spike Stewart when asked how the filming was going during a
particularly bad day.
| OLIVIA: Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio. |
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| Analyse Viraldiev and Frank Burdette Doubleday |
ACT I
Scene 1.
The film opens with an overture composed and performed by the late great hurdy gurdy virtuoso Ethan James. Music, dancing,
eating... Duke Orsino, played by Billy Hayes, tells us he loves Lady Olivia played by model Annalysse Viraldiev who also provided
the shrieks of the shrieking eels in PRINCESS BRIDE. Luna, a moon-maiden, looks on.
Scene 2.
Bruce Glover as the ship-wrecked Captain Wint sits on the beach. None survived the wreck but he and the maid Viola. "This
is D'Illyria," he tells her in awe. Viola, wondering if her brother Cesario survived the wreck, decides to disguise herself
as a man and seek what she may in D'Illyria. Emmy award winner Kay Lenz plays Viola/Cesario.
Scene 3.
Lady Olivia's servant quarters reveal her maid Maria and Olivia's alcoholic uncle, Sir Toby Belch. They are planning to fleece
Olivia's suitor Sir Andrew Aguecheek, a man with much mula and a small carrot.
Scene 4.
Back at Orsino's space station (he lives in a space station) Cesario, Orsino's new hire, enters. Orsino sends him (her) to
woo Olivia on his behalf.
Scene 5.
Olivia is in her bathtub holding a staff meeting. Malvolio (played by Frank Burdette Doubleday like no other Malvolio in history
), his rival the jester Feste (me), the drunken lecherous Belch, and Maria discuss the man at Olivia's gate: Cesario. Olivia
banishes the gang, puts on some clothing to hear what Cesario has to say. Unfortunately it's all love propositions from Orsino.
Fortunately, Cesario is kinda cute.
| VIOLA: Make me a willow cabin at your gate. |
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| Kay Lenz |
ACT II
Scene 1.
A polka-dotted pirate named Antonio is behind the wheel of a speed boat with Sebastian (also played by Kay Lenz) whom Antonio
has rescued from the sea. Sebastian is bound for Orsino's court looking for, presumably, Viola, his sister. Antonio has too
many enemies in Orsino's court to go-with.
Scene 2.
Cesario in a dark wood passes by Malvolio who is hiding behind his white gloves. He says he has come to return Cesario's ring
which he left at Olivia's pyramid palace (Oh yes, Olivia lives in a pyramid palace). "What ring?" says Cesario. It occurs
to Cesario that Olivia is smitten for him (her).
Scene 3.
Outside the pyramid, Belch and Aguecheek are on a drunken spree. Feste is called to tell some unfunny jokes and sing some
songs ("Oh Mistress Mine;" "Hold Thy Peace Thou Knave;" and "Farewell Dear Heart."). Malvolio, who is trying to make an obscene
phone call to Maria, is annoyed at the noise. He announces through a megaphone that it must stop or he's telling. Enter Maria
who tells the goof troupe to cool it for she has a plan.
Scene 4.
Orsino has hired Feste to sing him a melancholy song, "Come Away Death." Orsino asks his new buddy Cesario if he likes the
song. Unfortunately he (she) likes it only too much for she is head-over heels in love with Orsino himself. But, inspired
by the song, Orsino, sends Cesario back to Olivia's pyramid for more proxy wooing.
Scene 5.
Out in the wilderness, beyond Olivia's pyramid, in the middle of Stone Henge is an outhouse —Malvolio's outhouse as
it turns out. It is night and a wind is howling. He flicks on a bare light bulb and sits meditatively on his throne. Up on
a nearby hillside with binoculars and high-tech surveillance gear, Toby Belch, Aguecheek, Feste and Olivia's bald-pated mad-scientist,
Fabian (played by Grant Loud) are listening in for Maria has bugged the outhouse. Not only that, she has forged Olivia's handwriting
and written expressions of love and longing on a roll of toilet-paper. Malvolio reaches for the roll, gasps, reads and realizes
that she pines for none but him. She has a thing, he reads, for cross-gartering. Up on the hillside, joined by Maria, the
goof troop guffaw at this good sport.
| FESTE: What is love? 'tis not hereafter. |
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| DNL |
| MALVOLIO: To bed! ay, sweet-heart. |
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| The MDCB's Straitjacket (as the camel) and Frank Burdette Doubleday (as Malvolio) |
ACT III
Scene 1.
The reluctant Cesario returns to Olivia's pyramid palace. Belch and Aguecheek eavesdrop as once again he (she) launches into
a litany of Orsino's attributes as a lover. Once again, Olivia, warming herself by a video of a fire place, states that she
is only interested in Cesario himself. Cesario runs away.
Scene 2.
Having observed Olivia's obvious affection for Cesario, Aguecheek realizes his suit for the lady is pointless and announces
to Belch and Fabian that he's going home. As Belch and Fabian have a loose plan to part Aguecheek from his money, this is
alarming news. They tell him he can turn the tide of their lady's affections very simply. He should challenge Cesario to a
duel. Aguecheek, encouraged, retreats to write his Challenge to Cesario. Maria enters with news of Malvolio.
Scene 3.
The polka-dotted pirate Antonio is so-smitten by Sebastion that he tosses caution to the wind and seeks him out in D'Illyria.
He finds him at a pizza parlor and gives him some pocket money. Sebastian, grateful as he is, at last suspects the pirate's
amorous intentions.
Scene 4.
Maria takes Lady Olivia to meet Malvolio who has confused cross-gartering with cross dressing, though there is SOME cross-gartering
in his new attire. He pounces on Olivia who slaps him which Malvolio takes for a sign of affection. Just then, a ringing telephone
is presented to Olivia by a camel played by Mojave Desert Ceilidh Band fiddle player, Straitjacket. It's composer and Devo
founder Mark Mothersbaugh dressed as Mark Mothersbaugh calling to say that Cesario is back.
Olivia exits to deal with this. Malvolio enters a psycho-sexual trance the likes of which have rarely been seen on the silver
(or any other screen). It is both hilarious and deeply disturbing. Belch and Fabian enter and with Maria, on Olivia's orders,
have Malvolio dragged off to a prison for the insane. They plan more fun with him there. Somehow or other an axe falls on
Fabian's hairless head, splitting it not quite in two. It hurts. Aguecheek, who enters with his Challenge, doesn't seem to
notice the injury. The Challenge is ineptly ludicrous and this cheers Fabian up. Sir Toby Belch, pretending to be impressed
with the Challenge, says he will deliver it to Cesario immediately.
He discards the inept Challenge, encounters Cesario, and announces that Aguecheek, a fierce fighter, will fight him for honor's
sake. Cesario trembles in his (her) boots. Sir Toby returns to Aguecheek with news that Cesario accepts his Challenge and
with intelligence that Cesario seems a far fiercer fighter than they had originally thought. Now Aguecheek trembles in his
boots. The two are pushed reluctantly into battle armed with TAZERs.
Just as the farce is getting good, polka-dotted Antonio arrives to stop the attack on Cesario who he takes for his (her)
brother Sebasstion. Just then, two robo-cops arrive and arrest Antonio who (as we have heard) is an enemy to D'Illyria. As
he is being dragged away, he asks Sebasstion (Cesario) [Viola] for some of his money back as he anticipates legal fees. Viola
is dumfounded but, as Antonio is dragged off, she begins to suspect the truth.
ACT IV
Scene 1.
Aguecheek on the run with Belch and Fabian encounters Sebasstion and mistaking him for the unmanly Cesario, attacks. Sebasstion,
though baffled, whoops him bad. Olivia enters to find her darling (she also mistakes Sebasstion for Cesario) under attack
from her drunken uncle, servants. "Rudesby, be gone!" she yells at Toby and dismisses him with extreme prejudice. At this,
Sebasstion falls head over heels for Olivia and follows her home.
Scene 2.
Disguised as Brother Top-ass, Feste stands outside Malvolio's jail cell to torment him with philosophical conundrums which,
Malvolio, wearing nothing but a crown of light, attempts earnestly to solve. Belch and Maria chuckle nearby. Feste sings Malvolio
two ditties, one about a Jolly Robin who's lady is untrue and another about a fellow whose dad refuses to trim his toenails.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to all, Malvolio undergoes a paranormal transformation and writes a letter of complaint to Lady Olivia.
Scene 3.
Olivia calls for a priest to marry her to Sebasstion whom she still takes for Cesario. The priest, wearing vestments, a wristwatch
and a baseball cap with a cruciform, is played admirably by Buck Henry.
| FESTE: My foes tell me plainly, I am an ass. |
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| DNL |
ACT V
Scene 1.
Feste delivers Malvolio's letter of complaint to Fabian. They all head over to Orsino's space station in hope of sorting out
what seem to be an inordinate amount of confusions. Feste delights Orsino with some complicated and unfunny jokes. The robo-cops
drag the polka-dotted pirate, Antonio, forth. Cesario confirms to Orsino that he is indeed the strange man who helped her
(I mean him). Orsino is about to pronounce sentence when Olivia arrives. He praises her beauty and she insults him. She asks
Cesario why he has so soon abandoned her. Orsino asks Olivia what she's talking about. Olivia announces that she and Cesario
(remember she really married Sebasstion who looks a LOT like Cesario [Viola]) are newly married. In a rage, Orsino says some
nasty things to Cesario and fires him. Cesario begins to cry and states that he (she) knows not what Olivia is speaking about.
Buck Henry returns however to confirm Olivia's assertion.
If that isn't enough, Toby Belch and Aguecheek, wounded from their duel with Sebasstion, arrive with Sebasstion hot on their
trail. "Ah, there you are darling," he seems to say to Olivia. Next a wonderful series of double-takes and poetic speeches
ensues. But what of Malvolio? wonders Olivia. Fabian delivers the letter and upon admitting his duplicity, he turns into Sean
Connery.
Malvolio, released from prison, has transformed himself into the leather-period Elvis. He arrives and, his voice swathed
in rock-a-billy slap echo, says that he will be "revenged on the whole pack of" them. Wearing ruby slippers, he ascends to
heaven. Feste sings "The Rain it Raineth Every Day" as the credits roll.
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